On The Way to Eternity

I am no saint. I seldom know who I actually am. I’ve been re-invented, re-constructed more times than I can recall. This life feels like a ride down fierce rapids. In moments I feel strong and in moments I feel weak. I have felt I’ve been blessed by God in ways I never imagined. In other ways, I feel I’ve cursed myself to face judgment unprepared.

I have failed in many ways. I have succeeded in other ways. There is no absolute. Like a field of broken ice, I cling to what keeps me afloat looking for the next chunk to save my life.

The success I feel today could be washed away tomorrow. Somewhere in my DNA is the feeling of failure simmering on low boil. Am I always meant to feel I am never quite successful enough? Maybe the feeling will never go away.

Last year, I felt free of those feelings. I felt awoken and challenged to the ways of the world. For one brief moment, I was able to see myself from a distance. To re-assess who I am and what my potential could be. To see myself in the context of the world was worth the effort and the sacrifice of Jan and me. The world welcomed me and I embraced what lies in other places.

I have seen life as I wish I could live it. For that I’m blessed and cursed. It drives me to succeed. It pushes me forward with new vision and motivation.

As I move forward, I must push away the past. I’m not sure where it leads me to abandon my father. I’m not sure where it takes me. His presence in my life is the slippery nature of the ice I cling to. At once welcoming, now seems deadly as the water rages wishing to make me a victim. I am no victim. I take responsibility for all that I am and for all that I have done. I rescued him to have him throw me in the waters. I do not regret saving him for that I am most proud. I just do not want to share another ice flow with him. I finally have climbed out of the waters and sit upon a decent piece of ice. I proclaim I’m saved whether or not anyone listens. I am working my way back to the place where I can call home.

If God declares me unfit for eternity because I chose to not share the ice and cower to the whims of my father, I will let my pride and hurt take me under. I passed the test when life was in the balance. I honored my father. Without regard to anything other than his survival I fought for his life and gave him all he needed. Now, he has no idea or the desire to understand we are even in this exchange of kindness.

From my knees I stand, to admit I made a foolish decision to trust my father. It has been my test from God. I see the light. In my deal with the devil I was able to dance in heaven only to fall into a spiritual hell I did not contemplate. Was it worth it?

Ah, it seems a bit like Homer was the author of this drama but it is my words and my thoughts wrapping around my mind. It is my feelings in the coldness of silence while in the presence of God, I think these thoughts.

As the family abandons me, I feel the drifting emptiness of this ice I hold. If their words reach God’s ears, then I will slip into the abyss of whatever eternity is meant for scoundrels.

But now, I stand on my ice as strong as I will ever be. I know nothing is certain, tomorrow is as dangerous as today, but I have been through the rapids and know how difficult it can be. I survived and I will survive again.


I thank God for opportunities, friends, contacts and luck. I stand up strong and independent. I will pick up those who went through the rapids with me and we will form a stronger block of ice in which to travel the rest of our way toward eternity. The truth of what we’ve done will make our journey smoother.

For which I took from my father as I gift, I will return as if a penance and a sin. Every dollar given will be returned. If my life was dependent upon a dollar amount then each cent will represent the opportunity given, the love lost, and the cleansing of my soul. I hope by doing so, I can drift into eternity and into a world of peace; to live the life I was once given a chance to glimpse.