Meeting Old Friends in Dreams

What sickness proves…

We all are vulnerable.
We all need someone.

It seems I have the habit of experiencing big things then experiencing a big crash. The Florida trip was just another example of how I can feel on the top of my game only to be reminded days later how little it really matters.

The contrast of the Florida sunshine and the miserable snowy Cleveland weather was enough to make me depressed, but not being able to breath without hacking, working despite it all and slugging it out trying not to look weak (as men are often said to be during their sickness) and as one of you used to say I was a “baby”.

The last three nights I’ve slept in the guest room which doubles as our infirmary. Each night I’ve awoken, covered in sweat…the sheets soaked. If I didn’t wake up feeling better each morning I would be worried but now I control my own medical expenses I will get tough. I know the only thing the doctor will do is give me a few antibiotics and I’ll pay a few hundred bucks. They already say we take too many antibiotics, so I’ll take my stand.

Our infirmary housed Janis when she had her foot surgery. Our little Murphy dog would stay with her, glued to her side and happy as a clam. I think back to the time and it as if the little dog had lived just for the week she played nurse maid. She was in her glory. She only left the room to relieve herself and then she would be right back making sure Janis was given good care. The other dogs became anxious not seeing Janis for days. Finally they staged an assault on the door and managed to get into the room. Murphy panicked. Her little eyes darted as if her wonderful world was crashing down upon her.

A few days later, Janis left the room despite the pleas of Murphy to stay. The little dog was sad and depressed for a time.

My second night in the infirmary I had a dream. As all dreams are so subconsciously driven, I was on a college campus and next to me was Murphy. She didn’t want to just walk beside me she wanted me to hold her. So, I did. Everywhere I would go she would be with me. In the dream, I remember how her presence on a trip somewhere was always a comfort. Her curiosity sometimes outweighed by her fears. She held tight to my arm. We somehow arrived in Oban. She and I content to be with each other. We searched the stores and she enjoyed the people. In one store, I went to look for some beer and in the process ended up in a clothing store and Murphy had disappeared. I figured I would find her on the way out…but it turned into a maze and I could not find her. However, I was not worried. She would find me. I woke up.

It was a dream I needed. In the process of this life I forget those who make a difference. The little dog will always be with me, even if I don’t know it. She will find me. Then it came to me, will I ever do that for anyone?

It is something in the sickness and the sleeping aids where I came up with the thought. My mind, my body, my spirit has taken a complete pounding over the year. I watched the TV last night and all the news of foreclosures, student loans, layoffs, jobs…etc…reality struck.

I work in a place, I was once an employee, but now I’m not but everyone thinks I am and yet no one seems to notice…long story but an odd truth about my situation. I still have a desk I do believe.

I have become the ghost I said I would become. I walk through quiet halls and pass strangers. It will all vanish. I know so…

I’ve reached the age where my temporary boss at the moment could be my child.

As I sit there working, I think of Murphy. I can’t talk without hacking away. I have to mumble and so no one knows what I’m saying. I’m wiping down everything constantly to prevent others from getting what I have and no one says to me, “Go home.” Instead, when I eventually leave it is with the disappointment I left an hour early.

As I lay on the couch, watching the world flash by me in dramatic form I long for the simplicity of life. It occurs to me how quickly this culture has robbed me of the small nuisances I enjoyed a year ago. If they can rob me of my feelings they can take their culture and slam it upon you so lasting and strong, you may never get free.

It all swirls around in my stuffed head and I think of the little dog cuddling my arm. When I go, will there ever be someone seeking my comfort? Isn’t that really what this is all about? I’m not sure what is written or what rules I’m supposed to follow but I think I’ve learned you only need to be kind, true, and steadfast in your beliefs. We are always tempted to change our beliefs. Being a free-lancer challenges me all the time.

In the process, I’ve learned I need very little but a sense of accomplishment and someone to love. My sense of accomplishment is waning and it seems the bar has fallen off the rack. But I have someone I love very much, who for some unknown reason seems to want me in her life.

So, again, the head swirling on the couch I imagine this crazy world without Janis and I can’t contemplate it. In a bit of a revelation, as I lay on my back, a man broken in every way conceivable I still have hope. I have her.

I realized on my trip to Florida, surrounded by peers and men, how utterly different I am from the rest. No wonder my dreams are strange, my goals a bit off, and my situation so unique.

As I found Murphy in a night’s sleep, I also found Oban. I may be the only man alive who would rather live in Scotland than the US so I was comforted to know the place is still in my heart, nestled in my subconscious, resting in my soul to emerge someday.

Before I turned off the television and returned to bed…a deeper revelation. I can lose everything but I can not lose the one person who needs me. What I learned from Murphy’s visit the other evening told me Janis needs me in the same way. I will always be there. I will return, I will find her, I comfort her.

No matter what happens. No matter if I am poor or rich, wise or unwise, here or there. I will be there. I don’t think my life would mean much if I wasn’t there for someone. I don’t seem to be making much of a dent in the rest of the world, but with you three I seem to have a chance.

Regardless. Whatever the after-life may bring, if I can give to Janis the same comfort I received from a little dog, traveling in the place I love and feeling as if all will be okay then I have lived a good life and this journey has been worth every step.

Oh, and I can guarantee you…my spirit won’t be walking the streets of Cleveland…I may still be looking for a beer…but also a good seat on a nice terrace…where no one speaks but everyone smiles. We never notice the rain.